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The Weight of Wings

By: Olivia Sawickis

The giant numbers “27” stare me down as I roll out onto the centerline of the runway. My heart was pounding with excitement and I felt the warm feeling of an adrenaline rush; today is the start of something new, today is the start of my aviation career. My instructor pushes the throttle full in, we start the takeoff roll, and then we take off. I have been anticipating this since high school. I’m now in college, studying what I’m interested in, and flying. I had been told by many before starting college: ‘aviation is very difficult’, but that never scared me. That's okay. I’ll be fine because as long as I’m interested in what I’m doing, I’ll pick up everything quickly. I’ll do just fine. I hadn’t realized how difficult it was going to be until I actually started college.

It all started with a video game. It was my high school open house day where all incoming first-year explored classes that were available at my school. Me and my parents walked into a room where people were using flight simulators for an aviation class. I wasn’t very interested in trying the simulator, after all it was just a video game. But, my parents insisted on us all trying it out. My parents were captivated by the flight simulators and they wanted me to take the aviation class, so I did. Throughout my childhood I had many ideas for my future career: paleontologist, marine biologist, astrophysicist at NASA…. but none of those stuck with me. One thing I did know as a kid was that I loved the airport; the gates in the airport were literally gates to other parts of the world, which was fascinating to me. I loved the bustling environment, people saying goodbye and reuniting, people thrilled to be on the way to new experiences - I absolutely loved it. Going into high school, I had no real interests in any careers and was confused about what I wanted to do. I took Aviation 1 and I discovered what great opportunities the aviation industry had in store for me. After I had decided that I wanted to study aviation, nothing ever even remotely turned me in a different direction because I knew what I wanted. Then before I knew it, I was finally in the cockpit learning how to fly.

After I finally got the gist of flying, my instructor started to mention the technique and skill that you need to pass your checkride. It really started to overwhelm me; they will fail you for taxiing too fast, they can fail you for this, and that, and also this, and that too… the list gets longer with every lesson. I thought this was supposed to be fun, but any little thing you do wrong can make you fail your checkride. My confidence was being erased bit by bit like a line being erased slowly on a whiteboard. Some days I feel confident in my abilities, but other days I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and doubt that I ever will. The lesson where we first started landings was one of those days that I felt like I didn’t know anything. The buzzing traffic pattern, communicating with the tower, and the landing procedures were very overwhelming and new to me. I could feel my brain straining and fighting to focus, my clammy hands gripping the throttle and the yoke, and my feet struggling to keep the plane coordinated with the rudder pedals. As the runway gets closer, my instructor starts to help me with the approach. The plane staggered like a rocking ship as I struggled to get on the centerline. Long story short, I did not land by myself that day. “We’re going to work on landings a lot. This is usually the point where private students plateau; don’t worry you’ll get the hang of it eventually.”, my instructor says to me after we get out of the plane and head back inside. Eventually, eventually, eventually… When will “eventually” be? I accepted that I wouldn’t be good at landings on the first day and let it go.

A couple days after that lesson, it was time for my mock oral exam. I had studied for hours, memorizing acronyms, the fuel system, the electrical system, rewriting them down and testing myself until I memorized it all. I was extremely confident in what I had studied; I understood it all well and could explain what I knew. I met with an instructor, did the exam, and naturally I expected to hear that I passed. But, I didn’t. “You did really well, but you just need to touch up on little details because they can fail you for that.”, he said. This was my breaking point. As I drove home from the mock, I could feel the anger burning inside me. My hands stiffly gripped the wheel and I felt rage crawling up my throat like smoke rising in a chimney. I kept telling myself, “It’s just a mock, this is what mocks are for.”, but I knew I wasn’t getting over it anytime soon. After all of those hours reviewing, testing myself by rewriting what I’d memorized to the point where my wrist was sore, and studying late into the night, I didn’t pass. The feeling of hopelessness overcame me like a dark cloud of smoke was consuming me. How can I be confident in myself when they expect perfection? You need to memorize a million small details, be able to explain them, and you need to perfectly execute all of the flight maneuvers to pass your checkride. At this point, I felt like maybe I wasn’t in the right place. This was not how I expected things to be at all. When I was walking to class in the aviation building the next day, I felt ashamed. I felt like I didn’t belong, like I wasn’t working hard enough to be here. I was upset at myself for not being perfect despite my efforts, and these feelings started to gnaw at me and tell me that I wasn’t good enough to be a pilot.

When it was time for my next lesson, I felt discouraged and nervous to attempt landings again. I had already practiced landings for more than one lesson, so I knew what to expect for this one; continuous landings and lots of pattern work. We were using a runway that I had never used before, I was with an instructor I had never met before, and I was hungry; this lesson was going to be the perfect storm. Since I was with a different instructor that day, I wanted to make sure I gave my best effort. By the time we were lined up by the runway, I expected this lesson to be just as the others had been; bouncy landings. But when we finally got up in the air and did the lesson, I did surprisingly well. Despite using a different runway, I had adapted and picked up on the visual cues I needed for the pattern, did the landing procedures correctly, and maintained good approaches for my landings. She gave me really good feedback and I quickly improved on what I had to improve. Then there it was: a perfect approach and a smooth landing, all by myself. No bouncing or swerving, the best landing I had done to date. I was so elated and the instructor complimented my landing. At that moment, I felt like I had everything under control. I no longer felt this weighted feeling of shame and disappointment in myself. I finally felt proud of myself again. This moment was the light at the end of the tunnel.

After reflecting on my landings and my journey so far, I learned that there will always be ups and downs on my journey. With a positive mindset, hard work, and dedication, I can overcome every obstacle standing in my way. Being able to fly is a great privilege, but it also comes with a lot of weight- pilots are responsible for being extremely skilled and knowledgeable. I believe that I can carry this responsibility and succeed, not only for myself but for everyone that supports and believes in me. When I get discouraged, I want to remind myself of younger me- a little girl in the airport rolling her tiny pink suitcase, eager to get on the airplane. My goal is to make that once young, excited little girl who rolled her tiny pink suitcase around the airport into a successful airline pilot in a nice ironed suit rolling her flight bag to the cockpit. I’d like to also encourage and inspire others to pursue aviation because even though a lot of weight comes with the job, the feeling of pride and success in doing something difficult is empowering and one of a kind. I still have so much to learn and there are so many obstacles that I will face now and, in the future, but being able to carry the weight of wings is worth the difficult and thrilling ride.